These past few months have felt like life has been at a standstill. It's not that is literally has, but my life feels stuck. Don't get me wrong, life isn't horrible... I am very blessed... amazing family, sweet, caring boyfriend, what girl would complain? Add to that the wonderful job, roof over my head, and great financial situation.... I have no reason to be down about life. But I am. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? I know exactly what is causing these feelings, and its my inability to be patient. I am ready for a certain part of my life to start, I am ready for this littleBIG thing called MARRIAGE. But I have a partner who is not ready. I respect this, and I so want him to be ready when this day comes, but at the same time, I am so ready. I pray that God will take away my anxiety, worry, and impatience, because I am struggling on a daily basis.
The impact is feeling more real at this moment because this past weekend what I thought would help my anxiety, didn't help at all. I planned a wonderful girls weekend at the beach. My sweet girlfriends whom I've had since I was child. All in one place, having a great time, catching up and soaking up the sun. I was beyond excited for the weekend. And WHAM. As we are all sitting around, they are all talking endlessly about their children, what pregnancy does to your body, marriage woes, and all that involves being a wife. Me? I sat there silent most of the weekend. Unable to relate to any of them, unable to speak about my worries, my problems, unable to have a conversation with the girls. Am I hurting because of this, yes. Am I hurting because no one noticed I wasn't speaking? Absolutely. I know they are all at a different place than me in life, that everyone reaches the life milestones at different points, but when you are so ready for that part of your life to begin, it becomes very apparent you do not control this part of the picture. It's not that I wanted to talk about ME ME ME, I would have loved to have been apart of the conversation.
I love Matt more than anything. More than a big, flashy diamond. More than a grand, luxe wedding. So much that I am so ready to start our next chapter. So what is so wrong with me that we aren't starting that Chapter.
I have to turn this over to God. He know's the reasoning. He know's the timing. He know's why I need to be patient. I pray that one day I find out these answers. And I really hope that day is soon :)
The impact is feeling more real at this moment because this past weekend what I thought would help my anxiety, didn't help at all. I planned a wonderful girls weekend at the beach. My sweet girlfriends whom I've had since I was child. All in one place, having a great time, catching up and soaking up the sun. I was beyond excited for the weekend. And WHAM. As we are all sitting around, they are all talking endlessly about their children, what pregnancy does to your body, marriage woes, and all that involves being a wife. Me? I sat there silent most of the weekend. Unable to relate to any of them, unable to speak about my worries, my problems, unable to have a conversation with the girls. Am I hurting because of this, yes. Am I hurting because no one noticed I wasn't speaking? Absolutely. I know they are all at a different place than me in life, that everyone reaches the life milestones at different points, but when you are so ready for that part of your life to begin, it becomes very apparent you do not control this part of the picture. It's not that I wanted to talk about ME ME ME, I would have loved to have been apart of the conversation.
I love Matt more than anything. More than a big, flashy diamond. More than a grand, luxe wedding. So much that I am so ready to start our next chapter. So what is so wrong with me that we aren't starting that Chapter.
I have to turn this over to God. He know's the reasoning. He know's the timing. He know's why I need to be patient. I pray that one day I find out these answers. And I really hope that day is soon :)
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